Newt’s Nut Problem

I Am A Family Man. A Multiple Family Man That Is.

Ok Newt, are you the front runner for the party?  Now which party are you the front runner for?  If you tell me the financially conservative, hawk-esque GOP I will believe you.  However, if you tell me you are the front runner for the Christian Fundamentalists and moral Republican party I am going to call you out a bit.

Now I am not calling you out just because you are a life long political liar (although not nearly as bad Jon the Crier Boehner) but you do know you are in the 11th year of marriage to your 3rd wife.  Now just to recap your pro-family ways –

#1 – She was your high school teacher whom you married when you were 19 and she was 26.  So realistically you were fucking her when you probably around 16-17 and she was 23-24.  Sound about right?  That seems a little Mary Kay Letourneau now doesn’t it?  You divorced #1 in 1980 and a lot has been said that you divorced while she was in the hospital being treated for cancer but let’s dismiss that as it is probably a little overblown by the media in the first place.  I mean it does depend on how you define “treated” so lets not be too ticky tacky.


#2 – Now you were having an affair on #1 with #2 prior to your divorce and you even admit that, very very big of you Newty.  You were then married 6 months after the divorce to #1 was final.  At least this time you found your love of a lifetime though and sure it was messy getting there and you fucked over and lied to your kids and your #1 countless times to get there but true love does have a cost.  Ooops, I might have spoken a little too soon.


#3 – During that nasty little Clinton/Lewinsky scandal you were working hard for the country and by working hard I mean screwing a bugged eye house staffer who was 23 years years younger than you.  However, you did it the right way and made sure #2 did NOT have cancer before dropping her old ass off and getting a quickie marriage to #3.

Now in defense of your slightly hypocritical ways you have told many members of the media including the Christian Broadcasting Network – “There’s no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”  I am not sure if that is an apology as it seems more like a blanket statement along the lines of –

If you elect me, I will bust my ass for you but there is a really, really good chance I am also going to bust my nut many times inside multiple staffers and volunteers and random fruits and vegetables lying about the White House kitchen.


Somehow that is not so reassuring to me, except it would be fun to watch you get caught dry humping a cantaloupe during a budget meeting.  It also would be odd based on your strong belief in the sanctity of marriage and opposition to gay marriage.  Wait, odd is the wrong word there…you would be a lying, whoring, two-faced scum bag for that position.

Now I know your recent conversion (2009) from Baptist to Catholic has clearly helped as you stated after seeing Pope Benedict XVI in 2008 “I was struck by the happiness and peacefulness he exuded. The joyful and radiating presence of the Holy Father was a moment of confirmation about the many things I had been thinking and experiencing for several years.”  That must have helped a lot as you have only screwed over a couple women in your life while the Holy Father has literally fucked over millions of people and he still seems to be at ease so what do you have to worry about.

Newt, go ahead and run and trot your smug little chubby face out there every day for the adoring masses who crave a 1990’s recreation.  However, remember the 90’s were good for two reasons – your rival was running the country (and fucking interns) and you were able to continue your cheating ways in a lesser limelight. Your fucked in 2012 dim wit.

About martineden

I am not here to please anyone.
This entry was posted in Douchebag Of The Week, Jackasses, Politics. Bookmark the permalink.

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